What it means to be a girl (?)

Hey GwenPal!

It has been a wonderful two weeks (for me at least).

I started my junior-ish year of college at a new university after transferring from my community college (underrated, even by me initially), finished the rest of my summer classes (I wouldn’t recommend taking a class in which the professor doesn’t recognize parenthetical citations as in-text citations), and got a new part-time job while I continue to feel my way around the freelance field. I found my niche in games writing, which should have been a no-brainer considering my Animal Crossing New Horizons playtime. Figuring out my niche has made it leagues easier for me to figure out my next moves, and for the first time, I feel confident about where I am and where I’m going.

Oh, and I met with Jean-Paul Hardy, co-founder of Hardy & Go (a videogame insourcing talent agency dedicated to driving profit without sacrificing employee satisfaction) over a video call. No biggie (almost pissed myself leading up to the call, ngl), but it gave me some necessary perspective on what steps to take to make it in the games writing industry. Life is hard enough without gatekeeping success and opportunities, so it’s always nice to have conversations with professionals who have been in the business for years and take a chance to talk to youngsters (like me :3) and bestow their experiential wisdom.

What did I take from the conversation? Actually write game-based spec work (which duh, I just haven’t gotten around to it). People do look at my LinkedIn profile and I would go so far if I just remembered that. My posts do not disappear into the void, never to be seen again. People will come across them years from now and I will have to answer for my transgressions. But for now? I’m gonna keep typing my silly little posts and flood the feeds of my poor, defenseless network until my name is burned into their brains. You’re welcome.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Where are my manners?

How are you doing GwenPal? Eating well? Sleeping well? Reading well? I hope so. While I may not be able to help you with the first two, if you keep reading, you may find something you like (so stick around, pretty please!).

What it means to be a Girl(?)

My journey with gender has been a rocky road, to say the least. For one, my relationship with the color pink has had its ups and downs. It’s crazy because I know that colors are not inherently gendered, but Baby Me was so convinced that pink was a girl color and also a sign of weakness (I know, crazy), so to distance myself from weakness (and fit in with my three older brothers), I simultaneously distanced myself from femininity. I no longer liked pink, as pink was for wusses; I liked purple instead (I’m not even joking. My “rebellious” phase didn’t sport full black aesthetics like my peers)

Eventually, I stopped caring about gender (and unnecessarily gendered color schemes) during my junior year of high school and chose to wear whatever clothes I wanted, regardless of the color (as if that stopped me before). This change in expression was also paired with my fresh (and temporary) coming out as a femme nonbinary lesbian teenager (now a femme nonbinary queer 21-year-old teenager because guys are cute??? I guess???). While my mother believed my feminine change was inspired by the end of my rebellious “phase,” it was ironically inspired by the love story of Princess Bubblegum and Marceline the Vampire Queen. They made me feel confident in identifying as queer without adopting a masculine aesthetic (because let’s face it, girls slay and boys… wear khakis).

The truth is I love girly shit. I love (Bratz) dolls and the Barbie movie and Sailor Moon and Totally Spies and saying “literally” in every sentence even when I don’t mean what I’m saying literally. I love girlhood and community and the way girls have each other’s backs when they don’t know whether they’re leaking through their period products. I love how I don’t even have to know a girl for her to feel for me and want to take care of me and get home safely. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve received a compliment from a random girl on the street when I was feeling insecure about what I was wearing. When a girl walks into the room, she makes it feel brighter, safer, and more beautiful just with her presence.

But what even is a girl?

As I keep growing, I continue to ask myself what it truly means to be a girl. Is it something you wear, something you do, or something you are? Every time I ask this question, I always get a different answer. Some definitions conflict with others and can range from vague and indecipherable to gross and demeaning. To be honest, I don’t think anyone truly knows what it means to be a girl. This world has bestowed us with many labels and titles, often denoting our categories by the traits of our bodies. We seem to have forgotten that none of it is fixed and we can change it all at any time. Language is supposed to be a tool, not a tradition. As we evolve, language evolves with us. So why do gender norms feel like trying to put on a swimsuit you grew out of?

The thing is, if it’s all a play, a joke, a silly little game, I am more than willing to play the part of girl. As long as we all know that it’s pretend. Girl(?) for me is a character, not an identity. My existence cannot be summed up in an assortment of pronouns, hair bows, and the persistent threat of violence. We were always meant to be greater.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:

What’s the Worm in my Ear Singing?

Today’s song is “The girl, so confusing” by Charli XCX featuring Lorde. The fact that there is lore attached to this song is my favorite part about it.

I’m sure many girls have experienced that feeling of constantly comparing themselves to someone who has achieved what they’ve always aspired to. I’m sure being in the public eye makes that so much easier (about as easy as getting your stitches removed with no anesthetic).

I think collaborating in this way was very brave and beautiful for these women to do. It honestly inspires me to be more vulnerable with my peers when I feel the envy gnawing at the inside of my throat. Engaging in unnecessary competition breeds discontent and can evolve into malice. While I love friendly competition every once in a while, I don’t want my curiosity about how I “rank” among my peers to turn to obsession and poison the passion I have for my work.

This song gives me a lot of hope for girls. And it’s a fucking banger.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ /5

Thank you to both Charli and Lorde, you created the soundtrack for my teenage years and I am grateful for your vulnerability and refusal to let the industry pit you against each other.

That’s all I have for today. I know you have other things to read and places to go, but I’m glad you stuck with me to the end of my letter. I just want to express my gratitude. Knowing that you actually read my letters makes me feel like what I’m writing is actually important and that people look forward to them. So thank you.

I hope my musings can give you even a little solace in this whirlwind of existence we continue to experience.

Until next time. I love you, dearly.

XOXO

Your Girl(?)Pal (so perplexing)